Kennedy Explodes on Senate Floor

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Edward M. "Teddy" Kennedy (D-MA), exploded today in a ball of fire on the floor of the United States Senate. According to eye-witnesses, Kennedy was in the midst of a fiery diatribe spouting incendiary remarks when his sleeve accidentally caught on fire. "Before anyone could do anything, he exploded into a ball of flame", said one onlooker. "People were thrown backwards by the force of the blast!"

D.C. firefighters arrived only minutes later, but it was too late to rescue Kennedy. They fought the blaze for hours before bringing it under control. "That was a major grease fire", said one of the firefighters. "At first we put water on the fire but the burning fat just floated and made things worse".

Investigators have ruled out any acts of terrorism. Instead, they are calling it a reckless accident. "Anyone who plays with fire around a 300-pound mixture of fat and alcohol is just looking for trouble", said one fire official. "It's just too bad he caused so much damage to the Senate Chamber."